Will a baby make things better?

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You might think that having a baby together will change your relationship. Maybe he/she will stop treating you badly? Or will having a baby just make things worse?

An illustration of a baby

He’s always accusing me of flirting with other guys and calls me a slut. He doesn’t seem to trust that I really love him. He tends to fly off the handle if he doesn’t like something I do.

Lately I’ve been thinking about having a baby – maybe a change will make things better?

It’s unlikely that having a baby will make him change. In fact, it’s likely that his aggressive behaviour will get worse.

Children are a big responsibility, and put even more pressure on a relationship. Being pregnant and giving birth can be tough, and caring for a baby is a lot of work. Your lifestyle will change, and you will probably be tired from a lack of sleep. Having a kid costs money – including for clothes, nappies, child care, and school. This can also put pressure on the relationship.

Some guys get angry about the amount of time their partner spends caring for the baby, and they can use this as an excuse for treating you badly.

Ask yourself

  • How will he deal with the extra pressure? Will he use it as an excuse to blame or hurt you?
  • Will he share in caring for the baby, or will he demand that you do it all?
  • Is he likely to provide financial support?
  • Is he a supportive and caring partner?
  • Is he likely to be a caring, responsible dad?

If he makes unfair demands of you already, is moody and doesn’t respect your needs or choices, then this could only get worse with a baby.

Children need to see that parents support and respect each other. Will they see this in your relationship?

Think carefully before making a big decision like this.

Get some help for dealing with the abuse in your relationship.

By our first anniversary I was pregnant and hoping that this was the change we needed.

Read Sara’s Story

When the baby was born he felt he had a hold over me and began to feel that the baby was taking up ‘his time’ with me…. believe me, an abusive partner becomes an abusive parent too.

See Jacq’s story

It was very hard to make it in the world being so young, we were both broke high school drop-outs who still lived off our parents.  The abuse started when I was only one month pregnant.

See Jesse’s story

He wants me to have his baby – does this mean he really loves me?

He won’t wear condoms because he says the sex doesn’t feel as good. He says it would be good if we had a kid together anyway . He says that if I truly loved him I’d want to have his baby. I’m not sure I’m ready to be a mother, and I’m also worried about how he treats me.

It’s not ok for him to pressure or guilt-trip you into having a baby, just to show you love him. Having a baby is a big decision. Love’s about respecting each other’s choices and listening to each other.

Listen to your feelings. If you’re worried about how he treats you, a baby could make things worse, not better.

Is it a trap?

Be suspicious about whether this is a real sign of love – it could be a sign that he wants you under his control. He might hope that having a baby will trap you into staying with him. Some abusive men try to use having a baby as a way to make their partner dependent on him.

If he’s not listening to you when you say you want him to wear a condom, then already that’s a sign that he’s not respecting you or your body. It puts you at risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection – or getting pregnant.

Whether you are ready to have a baby or not is your choice. Think about this carefully.

After just a few weeks I accidentally fell pregnant to him. I was not ready for this but he talked me round with logic and charm.

See Fiona’s story

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Photo from Flickr by *TANS*

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