Am I stupid for staying?

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You know you’re not being treated right, but you don’t want to leave. Is that stupid or weak?

A line drawing of a colourful fish

My friends think I am stupid for staying with him.

They think I deserve everything I get because I put up with his temper tantrums, put-downs and aggression. But I still love him – am I stupid for staying with him?

Loving someone who has treated you badly doesn’t make you stupid or crazy. There’s nothing wrong with you for still loving them, even if you don’t like the way you’ve been treated. You don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone – except yourself.

An abuser is usually not mean, nasty, violent or controlling all of the time – at times they may be genuinely caring, and fun to be around. So you might love those parts of them, and the way they can make you feel.

What’s important is that you focus on yourself, your own feelings and how to stay safe. What’s best for you? What are your reasons for staying? Think about the good and the bad things, and weigh them up.

Don’t feel ashamed or think that they way they’ve acted is your fault. You’re not the one who has been abusive – they are. No one deserves abuse.

Don’t ignore any danger signs that this person could hurt you. Whether you decide to stay or leave, make yourself as safe as possible.

Talking to a counsellor can help. A counsellor won’t judge you or think you are stupid. They are there to understand how you feel, and to work out what you can do to make life better for you.

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2 Responses to “Am I stupid for staying?”

  1. i’m stuck up up north with my bf and his parents, we came up here to work and they said we can stay with them. but i would a conversation on facebook with him to another girl saying very inapropriat things and i ran out and sat in a parking lot because i had no one to talk to and i couldn’t stay there. i needed to be alone and i just cried to myself, i was ready to leave but then decided to go camping with an ex bf that was passing through, i new he wouldn’t like it but at that point i didn’t care what he thought, he was the closes person to me that i could talk to and just get away with. but before i left for camping i went out to kareoke and i was going by myself so i got all dressed up and lookin hot lol and he said he’d drop me off, you know trying to be nice and all, so when i was about to get out he started crying and saying he didn’t want to lose me. so then that turned me weak andi forgave him. i wrote her a message coming from me on the conversation they were having just saying that she should think before she goes and wrecks a relationship and just said how i felt sick to my stomatch after finding it, nothing mean and she wrote back something it didn’t even make sence just rambling like she was high. then a few days later she asked whats gonna happen between them if they could still be friends or not. and i didn’t wanna be that kind of gf to say no you can’t talk to her ( i figured he’d use his head and have some commen sence and not talk to her) about a week later i found out that they were talking again and she was saying i can’t stop thinking about that night i wanna f**k you blah blah, he technically didn’t say anything really wrong but he said dont be sorry for thinking about it you can think about what you want who knows where her and i will be or you and me will be in the future we can still be friends and get to know each other. he was also asking when she was going back home and she said she shouldn’t tell him cuz he’d get laid if she saw him but he said no i can control myself nothings going to happen i’ll be staying at leos(his buddy) she’s like OMG thats minutes away from my moms house your getting laid. and for me she pushed the line and he was ok with it and thought it was fine. and i told him that i thought he would have had more commen sence not to talk to her and thats when i said i dont like being the gf that says you can’t talk to someone but it makes me uncomfortable when you talk to her and i’d wish you stop. and he said ok no problem. (see they know eachother from back home shes frends with his older brother, they weren’t even friends just new eachother) he also new she was planning a trip back to where they live and he was planning a trip to that i couldn’t go onn because of work but he has all his buddys there and his brother adn granparents so i would think it’d be ok if he hadn’t pushed her for the dates she was going i just said i dont feel comfortable knowing she knows when your going and could be there and i’d never know if anything happened. but he said ya know OH OK i wont go then i dont care. and of course i say no i wouldn’t want to be that gf that is jealous and makes you not go somewhere (even tho i new he was gonna go no matter what i said) but after a few weeks later of me asking him not to talk to her its the time for him to leave to go back home for a few days and he doesn’t havea phone or comp but he took his moms phone and i said call me when you get there and hey your moms phone has fb you could get (his buddys) nuumber from there, and he said no i wouldn’t go on its my moms and wouldn’t text. then i see in his fb(ya i went on his) that he has messaged her from the phone(after saying no he wouldn’t go on) and he doesn’t message his gf or anything but her when she’s going if shes gone or not and hes going from the 24th to the 29th and little convo after. so i called him and said i was talking to my mom (i’d told her everything before and she said get out of there hes just gonna do it again from her own experience) and i said you know im still uncomfortable with you going and you know why right, hes like ya and i’m like have you talked to her, i said dont lie to me, he said ya and isaid when(knowing it was 22 min ago) he said today and that he was just answering her back from a convo last week (bullshit)annd i said i’m done with this shit i asked you not to talk to her it was a simple task yet you still feel the need to lie to me and have her in your life whether its a little convo everyother week and of course i was bawling cause it just brings back everything else that had happened and he said i was blowing it out of proportion it was an inisent convo, kinda like he was sticking up for her, and thats what i said and he said no blah blah blah getting mad at me for over reacting which i thought was crazy.(this was all over the phone cuz he was half way there) and i was i guess ending it and he wasn’t saying much so i said have fun bye and hung up. then he said call him back blah blah and in the end i said its not going to work out if you feel the need to keep her in your life like you didn’t even know her you weren’t friends she was your bros friend and you were aquaintances and never talked before. and he said i’m sorry babe this all could have been resolved easily if i didn’t message back i’m sorry. so now we worked it out he’s there have fun getting wasted and i’m stuck here with his parents suppoose to be working but can’t because of a flood. i couldn’t even leave if i wanted to cuz of the flood. what do i do though? should i leave him? is this just gonna happen again? i dont know what to think. its just so hard because we live together up here and i have a really good job that i dont want to stop. what do i do or what should i think?

  2. I’m glad to know I’m not crazy! My husband of five year has agreed to go to marriage counseling for our issues and I am hoping it will help. He definitely would not call himself an abuser, but anybody who knows him knows that when it comes to our relationship it is “his way or no way”.