Is it my fault?

Many people blame themselves if they’re treated badly. You must have done something to deserve it – right? Wrong.

A girl looking confused.

Abuse is never your fault. It’s not ok for someone to hurt you, be mean or nasty, or get aggressive or violent.

Even if…

  • you slept with someone else
  • you made them jealous
  • you were late or forgetful or thoughtless
  • you don’t want to have sex or to be affectionate
  • you’re depressed
  • you still stay with them even though they hurt you
  • you flirted with someone else
  • you don’t agree with them
  • you’re sick or have a disability and need them to help you
  • you want to break up with them.

They don’t have to treat you badly.

We all feel stressed, upset, angry or hurt at times in our lives. But we can all calm ourselves down, talk to others or take a break. We have a choice how we act, and we don’t have to take out our feelings on other people.

What if I cheated?

I had a one night stand with another guy last year.  When my boyfriend found out, he slapped me. He still calls me a ‘slut’ and pushes me into sex to prove I love him – and I give in because I feel guilty. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to be treated like this?

Yes, they might have felt hurt and angry, or worried about trusting you again.

But regardless of these feelings, it’s no excuse for the way they are treating you. Slapping you, calling you names and pushing you into sex is not ok – it’s abuse.

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4 Responses to “Is it my fault?”

  1. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years now and I honestly can not picture myself with anyone else. We are both out of high school now and have began to make plans for our future together. About three months ago I made out with another guy. I work with this guy. Still do. My boyfriend just admitted to me that sometimes he gets very angry and trys to hurt my feelings on purpose. I know that it will be hard to get over and he may not ever get over my mistake but I don’t think it is fair to hang it over my head forever. I’m so confused.

  2. Hi Brianna

    If you’re confused, and your boyfriend is angry, it sounds like you and your boyfriend have more to talk about.

    And it sounds you’re both trying to be honest and explain how you’re feeling – which is a great start to working things out.

    You could both try looking at and

    The Dear Diary one is good for working out how you feel about what happened, and what you both want…

    …You say your boyfriend gets angry.

    From what you’ve said, you seem very understanding of how difficult it is for him to comes to terms with issues in your relationship – but always remember, nothing you have done deserves a response that feels abusive.

    If you feel that making out with the other guy from work was a mistake, remember all people are allowed to make mistakes. It’s part of being human!

    But no, it is not fair for him to hang it over your head or use it as an excuse to be emotionally abusive. Abuse is never acceptable…

    Good luck.

  3. My partner is not very helpful with the housework. I get upset and angry that he doesn’t help. I’ve tried talking about it but he doesn’t listen. He says if I don’t like him leave but i gave up my job to raise our kids. I have nowhere to go. Today I was upset so o yelled then started crying. He told me to stop crying but i couldn’t so he put his hands over my mouth and pushed hard. He told me to get up but I couldn’t so he pulled me off the bed and dragged me across the floor. He then bashed my head into the tiles and left me there. I’m not bleeding or badly bruised. He hs cuts from my nails from me trying to defend myself. He says if I try to get any money out of him he will tell the authorities I’m crazy and i will lose the kids. Is it my fault? Did I cause this? I have been cranky with him for a long time maybe he snapped?

  4. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He has a controlling nature and I feel we tend to argue alot becuase I can not be easily controlled. He asks me to not give too much importance to my friends and if I do then he feels hes not as important and he will say things like, “go to your friends, you dont care about what we have, just leave.” I know he’s upset and I try to calm him down and I have to admit in order to do that sometimes I will say things that I dont really mean like, “no I wont meet them as often, or I cant take them out of my life in an instant cause you are the most important.” etc. Things go well for a week or two but then fights reoccured, again due to the controlling and dominant nature that he has.
    Last week he went through my phone and got into my facebook account, he went through my messages and got wild! He called me terrible names, insulted me and degraded me. I was not flirting and I was honest to all those people that I spoke to on FB that I was in a happy and serious relationship. My boyfriend thinks that those guys are just trying to be nice so that they can end up being close and maybe get more outta me. He said I was stupid and dumb and wasnt able to see how guys actually were. We didnt speak for a week and when we finally got in touch, I thought he would have cooled off but he was just as angry and disrespectful. I told him again that I was not flirting and they were friends and I shared an innocent relationship with them but he just kept going on about how stupid I was and unable to see what the real world was about.
    Yes, I love him and inspite of saying he doesnt love me, I believe that he is filled with rage and anger but the love is still buried underneath. Mom says to move on, she says his nature will never change and its good that its happened now then after we got married.
    I believe her. But I love him. I dont want to call him. But I dont know if he will call me. I basically “DON’T KNOW”….