Getting pressured for sex?

Sometimes it feels like EVERYONE is having sex or that we’re all meant to do it five times a day! The truth is, we’re all different about if and when to have sex. What if you’re feeling pressured?

Guilt-trips and emotional blackmail

Has anyone said this to you?

You would if you really loved me.

Everyone else is doing it.

If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll find someone who will.

You’re frigid.

You’ve got me turned on so you can’t stop now.

Don’t use a condom – it doesn’t feel as good.

If someone says these kinds of things, they’re trying to make you feel bad so you’ll have sex with them. It’s not ok for someone to guilt-trip you so you feel like you can’t say no.

The law says that sex should only happen when there is ‘consent’ from both people. Consent means that both people freely and clearly agree to it - without any pressure or coercion.

You have a right to:

• decide when to have sex
• decide what kind of sex you want to have
• change your mind and say No - even if it is right in the middle of having sex
• not have sex even if you’ve been kissing, touching, or have had sex with them before, and
• decide you’re not ready to have sex - even if you’re in a relationship. Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to have sex.

If you’re being pressured by a boyfriend or girlfriend

You might feel confused and worried that you’re the one doing the wrong thing.

First of all, remember - it’s ok not to have sex

There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel ready to have sex, or you don’t want to have sex as often as your boyfriend or girlfriend. There are other ways to be close, like kissing, cuddling and holding each other.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend really cares about you, they should listen to how you feel, and not guilt-trip you into it!

If you can, talk to them and tell them how you feel

You could say

I really like you but I don’t feel ready to have sex yet.

or

I like kissing you but don’t want to have sex.

If they are trying to guilt-trip you into sex, you could try saying

If you really loved me, you wouldn’t pressure me into it!

If they keep pressuring you, it sounds like they care more about what they want than what you want. This can be a warning sign of someone who is abusive.

It isn’t ok for someone to force you into sex. It’s sexual assault and it can be very distressing. Read more about unwanted sex and rape.

Feeling pressured by friends?

What if people you know are calling you a ‘virgin’ or making you feel bad for not having had sex? What if you feel like you have to have sex so you can be like your friends?

About one in three Australian young people have had unwanted sex. For 22 % of girls and 7.5 % of boys, this was because of pressure from their BF/GF. For some people, the pressure came from their friends.

Sometimes you want to fit in – so you feel under pressure to be like everyone else. Standing up to that can be hard.

Sex is a big deal – and deciding when and how to do it should be up to you. We know it’s hard, but if you can, try to ignore people putting pressure on you. Good friends will accept you for who you are, even if you’re different to them.

Also, try to remember that not everyone is having sex – almost half of Year 12 students have never had sex.

Related links

• Why sex is a big deal
• Quiz: should I sleep with them?
• First time sex

This study was Secondary Students and Sexual Health 2008 Results of the 4th National Survey of Australian Secondary Students, HIV/AIDS and Sexual Health.

Photo above from Flickr by lawrencebraunphoto / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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