Poppy’s story

Early days and early warning signs

I was twenty years old, and he was in the same group of friends. He’d be there at parties and stuff. I knew he was a bit rebellious and had kind of a bad side. We started to hang out. I thought if we got together that would be good, and it was at the start.

There were parts of him that were lovely, but there were parts that that were horrible.

When we were seeing each other, we’d be together somewhere and he’d push me off my chair in front of people. It did hurt, but I just thought it was something he did when he was drunk. And then, he started biting me sometimes, like when we were at parties, and I thought well this isn’t right. Other people who saw didn’t even say anything, so I just thought he was doing it just ‘cause he was drunk. He would just laugh it off.

Then it got worse…

But then it got worse. I don’t know what happened, we were going along fine, then all of a sudden it felt like I was just in this big hole. All these things were happening around me, and it was just horrible. I don’t know how I got there.  I just wanted it to work, I felt like I was a smart person and I’d decided to go out with him.  I felt like I could make it work, but I just couldn’t.

When we were like intimate together he was very violent towards me, like choking me, pulling hair, and biting me so hard that he’d leave marks. And I’d have bruises on my hands from him holding my hands and legs.

I remember one day my friend came over and she just cried when she saw me. She was like ‘What’s going on?’ But she was the only one who said anything to me, no one else really said anything.  I could tell other friends noticed, I could tell on their faces that they were thinking ‘What are you doing with this person?’, but they didn’t say anything to me.

It wasn’t just the physical stuff that was hard, it was more that he just made me feel so ugly. He never complimented me or anything like that and I just felt ugly and down.  He used to say things about my parents, he’d put them down and say ‘everyone’s fucked up here’. Sometimes – and I don’t know if this was his plan – I’d get all dressed up for going out, and then he’d say ‘We’re not going out, I don’t want to go out,’ even though he’d know I’d have been so excited to go out. So then we’d just stay home. And he didn’t like me going out with friends. He’d crack it with me and get in a fight for no reason. My friends would say ‘come on – just have fun’, but all I could think about was why is he so angry with me? He wouldn’t give me a reason why, he wouldn’t pick up his phone, he’d just say ‘I’m not talking to you’.

I had a suspicion he was using drugs, but he told me he wasn’t.  I found out later that he was using speed – so that was part of his behaviour.

One time I had a party at my house.  I spilled a drink, and he grabbed me by the throat and pulled me up against the wall and said ‘you shouldn’t spill drinks in this house’ – and it wasn’t even his house. That really scared me, so I drove off.  When I came back, my sister’s friend jumped in the car and said, ‘He’s in your room smashing up everything!’ Then he came out to us and he was up smashing up the car while we were in it – the window was broken, his hands had blood all over them, everyone was just screaming and everything was smashed. I don’t know why but I got out of the car and I went into my room and found everything was smashed, my whole bed and everything was tipped upside down, and all my artwork was ripped up.  It was horrible. He came in and closed my door. It was just me and him in the room and he had glass in his hand and he was saying he’ll kill us both.  He kept throwing things around and throwing me around the room. He pushed me through the door and the door fell off and I was lying on the floor on the broken door. That was the moment when I knew I had to run or I might die. I ran to the car, which was all smashed up, and he jumped on the car while I was driving! He jumped off and then started throwing rocks at the car. I managed to drive to my friend’s house. Her parents answered and they said do you want us to call the police?  I said no. I’d never had involvement with the police before, and so I didn’t know what to do. They called his parents and they came and grabbed him. I think he was just off his head.

The next day I did call the police. I called my auntie to be with me ‘cos my mum was away and I had no one to talk to. The police came and asked, ‘Why didn’t you call us at night?’ I said I’ve never dealt with this before.

I applied for an Intervention Order at the court.  Then I was worried about the court date coming up [for the Intervention Order]. I was just so afraid that he’d be there. I didn’t want to see him.  I called the police and said ‘I don’t know whether to do this or not’. I knew it was serious but I was worried that the Order wouldn’t go though and I didn’t want to be humiliated if it didn’t go through. I just wasn’t sure.

He apologised and paid two grand for the car to be fixed, and paid for everything for my room and was very sweet. And then we just got back together. He was very remorseful, he would buy me things and said he’d never do that again.  I thought ok well, I will give him a second chance.

I realise now that was stupid, I don’t know why I did it.

No one really acknowledged what happened after that incident, no one said anything, none of my friends – except for one girl. I really took it to heart, it felt like they didn’t care about what had happened.

I cancelled the Intervention Order application. When mum found out that I wasn’t going through with it, she kept on saying,  ‘You’re so much smarter than this, why are you doing this?’ I just didn’t have an answer.

My parents sort of banned the relationship. I was living at home, and he was banned from coming to the house. Mum said he had a temper on him and she didn’t like that. I didn’t really tell her everything that had happened until after we broke up.

I didn’t want to go over to his house. I was just so embarrassed about what had happened. His parents didn’t say anything about his behaviour, it was like they were fine with him. So he’d have to sneak over to my house late at night. One time my mum’s boyfriend saw him and chased him out. So I just thought: this isn’t working, I don’t want to do this any more.

When I broke up with him, I wasn’t really worried about his reaction – we were fighting and I was like ‘I’m over this, I think we should break up’. We had broken up a few times before. He wanted to get back together and I just said no.

I found out later he had cheated on me, and I think he had someone else to go to when I broke up with him. But I just didn’t care, I’d had enough. He always used to accuse me of cheating on him but I had never cheated on him at all. I asked him how many other people he’d slept with but he wouldn’t tell me how many other people.  I was very worried about him sleeping with other people and whether I could catch something from that. He also told me he was using drugs and had been shooting up. He said it in a cocky way – I think he wanted to get me worried. So I decided I had to get myself tested, just to be safe.

What helped me to recover

My self esteem was so low and I wasn’t going out with my friends. I had a strong sense that he had taken so much away from me and made me feel so bad, ’cause I was much happier before I met him.  I needed to find who I was again and to be happy again. I wanted to have time for me. So I went away on a working holiday, I needed to find myself. I didn’t want to be with anyone at all, I was happy to be by myself… I met lots of people though and it was really fun.

I came back home, and no-one really mentioned what had happened. I began to drink a lot and I knew that something was going on. I would always drink and bring it up with my friends.

Then I met a guy who just reminded me of him. He was horrible to me. And that just triggered all the memories back.

I kind of had a breakdown. I saw a psychologist because I thought something was wrong. It was really bad, I kept on seeing blood everywhere. It was so traumatic, I kept seeing blood on my hands. I couldn’t touch anything and I had to be put on tablets and I lost about 10 kgs. I couldn’t do anything and didn’t want to be anywhere, it was horrible. I had panic attacks all the time. I scrubbed and scrubbed my hands. My psychologist said I had obsessive compulsive disorder. The counsellor and I realised that that time in my room, where he was smashing everything up and he had blood on his hands and he was strangling me, and he got blood on me – it brought up something for me. Because I had never talked about it, and I thought that I would be fine but everything just unleashed. It was quite horrible. It really helped to talk about it with the psychologist and to understand why I was thinking blood was everywhere and to realise that I wasn’t going crazy.

She gave me certain tasks to do. Like I had to sit with that feeling and not wash my hands… and stuff like that. It was really hard. But I got through it.

So what has helped is heaps of counselling and talking to my new partner now – he was wonderful. Just talking to friends about it as well, just talking and talking to people. I rang Lifeline a couple of times because at the start I didn’t know what was happening. They were really good.

My two best friends were just there for me and I knew I could talk to them about what happened and they wouldn’t judge me. Even telling them about seeing the blood and all of that, they were really supportive. They listened and didn’t say anything like I should have broken up with him.

Sometimes my family bring it up and laugh, they joke and say ‘remember him?’ –  but that’s my sister and brother. My sister was there on the night when he smashed up my room, and she had helped protect me.

It took me a long while before I got into another relationship. It still affects me, even with my new partner. If he holds my arm in a certain way I don’t like it… it still reminds of when my ex grabbed me there and I would have bruises all over my arms.

I still feel quite embarrassed about it. It’s just… I don’t say how many times we broke up and got back together. Even after the incident in my room, some people don’t know we got back together after that. It’s just that sometimes I feel really stupid, like I should know better. But really, I know it’s him that did all that, it’s nothing that I did. He’s the one with the problem, not me.

I just felt like I was brainwashed. I wasn’t spending time with my friends and just felt useless.

He contacted me recently on my phone. He said, ‘Do you know who this is?’ and then I am like, ‘Oh no, it’s him’. I always imagined what I would say if I saw him again, I had this big script of saying what a horrible disgusting person he is and how could he do that to someone. But actually I hung up straight away and thought, he’s not worth it. He rang back three times and I just did not pick up. It’s his life and I don’t want anything to do with him, I’ve got my life.

My advice to others

Tell yourself you haven’t done anything wrong and that it’s not your fault. It’s them, and their life that’s messed up, not yours….which is hard to see when you are with them. They’re very smart, people who abuse others…smart and manipulating.

Also, I’d say to remember that pushing and shoving is not ok, even in relationships. A lot of people think that it’s just someone being silly but actually it’s a sign that something isn’t right and it could escalate to something bigger.

If things don’t seem right and you are worried, talk about it to someone. Don’t try to hide it. It’s not right to have someone treat you like that, and it’s not your fault. Women are worth more than that.  Talk to your parents if you can. Or call Kids Helpline or Lifeline ’cause they’re really good to talk to, or even a school counsellor. If you think something is wrong, don’t try and hide it because it can get worse.

Advice for helping a friend

If you have a friend who might be being abused, just to talk to them about it, because domestic violence is so hidden. Step in and say something. They might be too embarrassed to talk or feel guilty or ashamed. So talk to them in a non-judgemental way, or just in a friendly way. Ask them out for a coffee. They could be worried about what you’re going to say or what you think about them. If you actually go up to them and ask ‘are you okay?’ it’s probably a relief for them. They may not want to talk about it then, but they will remember that you asked them – and they might go back to you one day and tell you.

You can say it like ‘I notice this is happening -  are you okay?’ But don’t say ‘this is happening, what are you doing??’ Say ‘I’ve noticed they’ve been feeling upset, do you want to talk about anything?’ Or say ‘I notice your partner is acting this way…Are you alright about that?’

Let them know that you are there, and give them a bit of information on what is domestic violence, and that being pushed or abused isn’t right. There’s help lines like the Domestic Violence Crisis Service – you could give them a call or maybe even give your friend their number for information.

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