Sex, can you handle it?

Sex can be an intense and personal experience. It can bring up unpredictable emotions or sometimes just gets awkward.

What would you do if someone started crying or shared their deepest, darkest secret? Or what if it was you?

A girl lying on a bed with her hands on her face.

What would you do if…

  • Your partner bursts our crying and can’t continue.
  • Your partner stops being turned on and feels ashamed.
  • Your partner bursts out laughing uncontrollably.
  • Someone walks in on you.
  • Your partner tells you they love you.
  • Your partner tells you they have been sexually abused.
  • Your partner goes quiet or acts cold towards you.

The best thing for all of these is first to stop what you’re doing, wherever you’re at.

What to do

Ask your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner

Is everything ok?

If they just nod or don’t answer, take their hand or stroke their arm to let them know that you’re ok with how they’re feeling.

Wait for them to talk or say

It’s ok to talk about it.

Maybe they can’t talk about it because it’s too painful or embarrassing. If so, you could say ‘If you want to talk about it any time, just let me know’.

If you’re the one who’s upset

If you suddenly get upset or feel uncomfortable during sex, it’s okay.

Even if you might feel like a big idiot for being so emotional, don’t say sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.

If you can, try to talk to them about it, or you could tell them you’d like to talk about it later. Tell them if there’s anything that you’d like from them, like a cuddle or a glass of water.

Remember, trusting someone enough to feel ok with spontaneous feelings (yours or theirs) is something that usually builds over time.

Sexual hangups and hurts

Unfortunately, far too many people are molested, raped, harassed or targeted with cruel sexual remarks. These experiences can leave them with hidden scars that may take a long time to heal.

Crying during or after sex can sometimes happen because these hidden scars are triggered.

Other people have grown up in families where there’s a negative feelings towards sex or where bisexuality or being gay is not acceptable, and people feel ashamed of their sexual desires.

Do you have any bad feelings around sex? Does your BF/GF?

It’s important to know about any shameful feelings around sex or serious sexual pain that you or your BF/GF has.

Stuff like..

  • shame about your body
  • fear of sexual contact and sex
  • not caring who with or how often you have sex
  • obsessed with porn
  • don’t like being touched
  • always masturbating
  • never masturbating
  • can’t talk with anyone about your sexuality
  • feeling uncomfortable about your sexual desires, or
  • you don’t feel attracted to anyone.

Being kind to yourself and others is really important for healing.

Being ok with it means not blaming yourself.

Be brave, and when you’re ready to tell someone what’s happening, ask for support.

Related links

Photo above from Flickr by helga / CC BY-ND 2.0

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