Is jealousy a sign of love?
We all feel a little jealous at times. When is it ok and when is getting out of hand?
He wants us to spend all our spare time together and gets mad if I hang out with my friends. If I talk to other guys he gets furious.
Feelings of jealousy are normal in a relationship. But it’s how we act on it that counts. If a boyfriend of girlfriend uses anger and jealousy to stop you talking to other people or seeing friends, this isn’t really about love – it’s about control.
Jealousy – when it’s ok
- Feeling jealous – like if your BF/GF always seems to have a fantastic time with some other cute girl or guy. Try telling your BF/GF how you feel:
Hey, I know you really like that girl/guy, but sometimes I wonder if you’d rather spend time with her/him than with me?
- Accepting reassurance, or if you don’t feel reassured, letting them know how you feel.
- Accepting that your BF/ GF can choose their own friends and can talk to whoever they want to.
Jealousy – crossing the line
- Demanding your attention all the time.
- Constantly wanting to know where you are and who you’re with.
- Flying into a rage and making you scared to upset them.
- Controlling your social life or who you talk to.
- Making you feel bad for wanting to see your family or friends.
- Texting you all the time to check what you are doing.
- Constantly accusing you of flirting.
- Making you give up working, studying or doing things you like.
- Telling you who you can and can’t talk to.
- Hurting you or abusing you because you made them jealous.
- Reading your messages online or on your mobile.
This behaviour is a sign of control, not love. No one has the right to control who you talk to or who you’re friends with. Your social life shouldn’t have to stop because of your GF’s or BF’s jealousy.
I wasn’t allowed to have male friends and I was rarely ever allowed to go out with my girlfriends (especially if there was the slight chance there may have been boys there). He even got angry when a boy would text message me or talk to me online. I had to delete my MySpace account just to make him happy.
At first I liked him being jealous. It made me feel like I had the upper hand cos he wanted me that much. So I fooled myself into thinking I had the power in the relationship because anything I did would upset him. I played with it a bit – I’d joke about a guy flirting with me and he’d get pissed off. But gradually it got so bad that I didn’t see my friends, and gave up things I loved because he’d get so angry.
If someone is abusive, they may be threatened by any sign that you are an independent person. They think that you belong to them and like the feeling of power they get from thinking that you’re under their control.
They focus on themselves and demand that you give up the things you enjoy. Or they use jealousy as an excuse so they can blame you for them hurting you or being mean to you.
Even if they have a good reason for feeling jealous or angry, there is no excuse for hurting you.
If you’ve had to stop seeing friends or family or doing other things you enjoy, just to keep a BF or GF happy, then this isn’t fair. This is control, not love.
He was jealous and possessive of me and I let it go on too long. I didn’t think it was abuse… until now.