Always	Sometimes	Never
When we’re together, we laugh and have fun.
They like me for who I am.
I wish we didn’t see so much of each other.
When we go out, we decide together what we’re doing.
We spend our spare time together.
I have to watch what I do or say around them.
I can see my friends or family whenever I want.
When we’re hanging out, I wish I was somewhere else.
I worry that my BF/GF is cheating on me.
I wish my BF/GF was different.
They get jealous of who I hang out with.
I feel ok about saying ‘no’ to things I don’t want to do.
They ignore me when their mates are around.
They listen to me and care about my opinions.
We have the same fights over and over again.
When we’re together, I feel like I can be myself.
I hate it when my BF/GF talks to other guys/girls.
They snoop and read my texts or messages.
My BF/GF makes me feel scared of them.
With sex and affection, I can say what I like and don’t like.
My BF/GF likes introducing me to his/her friends.
I’m worried about what my BF/GF might do if I tried to leave them.
I feel overwhelmed by what they want.
I feel stuck in this relationship.
My BF/GF pressures or guilt-trips me into sex.

Results

If you got lots of happy faces, then your relationship sounds mostly happy. See 10 tips to make it last.

If you got any sad faces, it sounds like there are signs of trouble. See Is it love or control?

If you got double sad faces, it’s a sign there are real problems in your relationship. There may be abuse. It seems like you’re not being treated right.

Good relationships – signs that things are working

• You like each other for who you are. You want each other to feel good and you support each other’s goals in life.
• You are independent and have your own interests.
• You see your own family and friends whenever you want – alone and with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
• You are good at listening and talking to each other.
• You have different opinions and sometimes fight but you listen to each other and compromise.
• You make big decisions together, and you can both make compromises. For example, you take turns deciding what movie to watch!
• You can tell each other truthfully what you think and what you want without being afraid of being hurt or put down. You trust the other person to be honest with you.
• Sexual contact is what you both want – no one is pressured into it. You can be honest with each other about what you like/don’t like.
• If there is jealousy, you listen to each other, talk about it, and try to work things out together (instead of making threats or demands that restrict the other person’s freedom).
• You both respect the other person’s right to have their own private communication with their friends and family.
• You agree about whether you are seeing other people or only each other.
• You accept each other the way you are.

Bad relationships – signs that things aren’t working

• Trying to change the other person rather than accepting them for who they are.
• Not trusting each other or lying to each other sometimes.
• You (or your partner) don’t talk much or open up about your feelings.
• Fighting a lot. Things don’t seem to get worked out.
• There is a lot of tension when you are together.
• Constantly worrying that relationship is going to end or that the other person is interested in someone else.
• One of you or both of you give up your friends or other interests for the sake of the relationship.
• You have to see each other all the time.
• Secretly reading the other person’s Facebook or texts to see what they are up to.
• Feeling overwhelmed by the other person’s demands or needs.
• Feeling like you don’t know who you are or what you want anymore.
• Friends or family say they are worried about you or your relationship.
• There’s lots of criticisms or jokes that hurt or embarrass the other person.
• You don’t look forward to spending time together.

Some of these things can mean you need to sit down with your BF/GF and have a serious talk.

Some are early warning signs that things are not okay. Some  might mean you want to call it quits.

Abusive relationships – the signs of control

• One person’s needs and decisions always come first. The other person feels they must go along with it.
• One of you wants to know where the other person is all the time.
• One of you checks up on the other way too much – texting to see where you are and who you’re with.
• One of you stops the other from seeing family or friends. They say stuff like, “You don’t need to see them” or “we only need each other” or “you’re friends are boring”.
• One of you is a snoop and disrepects the right to privacy – reading texts, a private diary or journal, phone messages, Facebook stalking, or installing software programs that record what websites are visited.
• One of you feels pressured, tricked or forced to do sexual things they don’t want to do.
• One person feels scared to end the relationship because they are worried their BF or GF will hurt them, or will commit suicide.
• Emotional manipulation like “If you really loved me, you would… (have sex/stop talking to your ex-boyfriend/spend every night with me…”).
• One person often humiliates the other and makes them feel bad  (eg. ”you’re stupid/embarrassing/fat /clumsy, ”no one else would want you, ”you can’t do anything right).
• One person scares the other through threats, pushing, hitting, locking them in, smashing things or aggression –the other person feels so afraid of upsetting them that they just go along with the demands of their BF/GF.
• Jealousy is used as an excuse to demand that the other person has to stop talking to other guys/girls, ex-partners, friends or family.
• Sending nude or humiliating pictures around of your BF or GF without their consent.

If any of these sound familiar, see If things get ugly for information and advice.

Related links

• What is love?
• The things we do for love
• QUIZ: Is it love or control?

Photos from Flickr by (top) ,  (middle) kevinkerosene/ CC BY 2.0,  (bottom) mike-burns / CC BY-SA 2.0

One kind of love?

Family love ‘They drive me crazy.’ (But you probably love them anyway.)

Pet love ‘I love all my pets, but I love Sparky best.’ (It’s usually easier to love a dog than a fish. Why is that?)

Friendship ‘I love my friends.’ (Until they’re not your friends any more)

Fair-weather friendship ‘Some of my friends only seem to love me when they need something.’ (So not really friends then.)

Attraction ‘Hmmm, he’s cuuuuuuute. I don’t even know his name. Am I blushing? I’m blushing.’

Celebrity crush ‘Oh my GOD. I’m cutting a picture out of a magazine.’

Unrequited love ‘I love you, but you don’t love me.’ (Or the other way round. Bummer.)

Romantic love ‘I’m so happy I could SING it from the rooftop. But that would be weird. But I don’t CARE.’

Lust ‘I really want to do things with this person when the lights are off. Or on. I’m not interesting in lighting.’

Relationship love ‘We’ve been together six months. I don’t know if we’ll be together forever, but right now we want to be with each other and we have heaps of fun.’

Lasting love ‘I’ve loved this person for years. We get along well and have similar ideas about some important things, and we’re comfortable together and I never seem to want anyone else.’

This information was taken from the book ‘Girl Stuff: Your Full On Guide to the Teen Years’ by Kaz Cooke, published by Penguin Australia, and is currently waiting on permission.

What does love mean to you?

He meets me at my locker every morning, with a “hey beautiful”. When i get pushed around in the halls because of my small stature, he holds me tight. When his guy friends are harassing me, he kisses me unexpectedly. Needless to say, the guys back off. He calls me every single night, and actually listens and talks to me.

Read the rest of this story, Too good to be true, on Somazone’s website

What kinds of love you want to have around you? What does a good relationship look like? What’s important and what are your ‘dealbreakers’?

In some families, yelling is an ordinary part of expressing anger. In others, it’s seen as over the top.

Where do get your ideas about love and relationships?

• Your family?
• Mates?
• School?
• Movies, games and books ?
• All of the above?

Which ideas could you

• keep
• chuck
• talk about with your partner?

Write your ideas down in Dear Diary: Who am I?

Love is everything… isn’t it?

When you ask most people what is most important in a relationship, ‘love’ usually tops the list.

When it comes down to it, we don’t always break up with people because we stop loving them.

Often it’s because:

• our lives are moving in different directions
• we don’t bring out the best in each other or,
• we don’t like the way they treat us.

You hear about making sacrifices for love.

Some things, like your safety or your self-respect, aren’t worth sacrificing.

Sometimes you have to put love to one side and take a long hard look at whether your relationship is hurting you.

Related links

• The things we do for love
• 10 tips to make it last
• QUIZ: Is it love or control?

Photo from Flickr, taken by moe_in_berlin

Play games

Your friend’s really hot.

• Ever tried to make someone jealous by cracking on to their friends?
• Ever ‘tested’ how much they care by ignoring them for a few days?
• Ever put down their mates so they’ll spend more time with you?

Some people play these kinds of games in relationships to see if the other person ‘really’ loves them. But the truth is, toying with someone’s feelings can seriously backfire. Your boyfriend or girlfriend might end up feeling like you don’t really care about them or your relationship.

If you really want to know how they feel about you, be brave and ask them straight out.

Tell little lies

Yeah, I’m a massive ___ fan too.

When you feel a bit unsure of yourself, lying to make yourself look better can seem like a good idea. But the more you lie, the harder you have to work to keep up the pretence and the more insecure you will feel.

Remember, you’re ok as you are.

You don’t have to be perfect, or be like everyone else.

Give your BF/GF a chance to find out what you’re really like. After all wouldn’t you rather be with someone who likes you just the way you are?

Ditch your friends

I’ll be there next time, promise!

Falling in love can be pretty exciting. When you have a brand new favourite person it’s easy to forget about staying in touch with your friends. But we all need good friends – they will stick by you, help keep you grounded and make you feel good about yourself.

Make sure neglect doesn’t end your friendship

If you’ve had to give up seeing your friends or family because of pressure from your boyfriend or girlfriend, that’s not a good sign. Try QUIZ: is it love or control?

If it’s your friend who’s madly in love, be patient. Keep trying to include them in your social life. If you feel like you’re being ignored, let them know, calmly and clearly. When they come back to earth they might really need someone to talk to.

Act like you own them

I saw you talking with _____.

You figure it’s up to you to protect what’s yours, so when you see your boyfriend or girlfriend talking to someone else, you go right over and interrupt  – or worse, you start checking up on them or telling them who they can and can’t talk to.

What you’ve forgotten is that your boyfriend or girlfriend is a person!

You don’t own them and you don’t have the right to control who they talk to or what they do. Step back and trust them to make their own decisions or else your possessive behaviour put you on the road to Splitsville.

Related links

• Your relationship rights
• The ‘I’ in relationships
• Is jealousy a sign of love?

Photos from Flickr by (top) homiesinheaven and (middle) jp-esperanca

Stay independent

Relationships come and go but you’re always going to have you.

So make sure you look after yourself

• Be kind to yourself.
• Remember your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.
• Learn to do things on your own.
• Get advice from people you trust.
• Don’t feel you have to help everyone, all the time.
• Keep in touch with your friends and family. Telling them what’s going on in your relationship (but not necessarily everything).
• Don’t let anyone stop you doing what you love.

Know yourself

Everyone has different ideas about what a good relationship should look like.
What’s important to you? What do you think about

• spending time together
• affection, partying
• sex
• talking
• how you fight?

Try the diary exercise Who am I? to write down your answers.

Speak up

No one is a mind reader.

We all grow up in different families with different ways of relating to each other.

Saying stuff that’s important to you lets your BF/GF know that you expect respect, and that your needs count.

It also lets them know that it’s okay for them to say what they need.

Tips on how to speak up

If you can, tell them clearly about what is happening that makes you uncomfortable. Let them know how you would like things to be.

Talk about how the situation makes you feel:

I don’t like it when you do that.

I like spending time with you but I also need to see my own friends as well

I feel hurt that you don’t want to spend time with my family.

It’s not okay for you to read my texts/emails/Facebook, it’s private.

When you do _____, it feels like you don’t trust me.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend makes you feel afraid to speak up, see QUIZ: Is it love or control?

Related links

• Should I speak up?
• Am I blinded by love?
• We need to talk…

Photo from Flickr, taken by 30247076@N03

A big part of keeping any relationship happy and healthy is talking about stuff – including the stuff you’d rather not talk about.

Talking gets easier over time and with practice.

What’s your style?

When you feel hurt, disappointed or something’s bothering you, what do you usually do?

Withdraw, bottle it up or start yelling?

Knowing how you usually react when something’s up, and letting your BF/GF know is a good place to start (and vice versa).

If I’m upset about something, I’ll probably go all quiet. But I should be right to talk about it soon after.

And then you can try and change your style, and see how better talking and listening – by both of you – can improve your relationship and help you both feel more understood.

Listen up

It might seem strange, but the real key to good talking is listening.

• Get rid of distractions: turn off the TV, leave your phone alone, stop playing computer games. If the time’s not right and you can’t give them your full attention, tell them, like

I’m too tired now but I know it’s important to you – can we talk in the morning?

• Let them finish what they are saying before you jump in with your reaction. Sometimes this means putting your feelings aside, so that they can have space to share theirs.
• Make sure you’ve understood what they’re saying – especially if you feeling angry about something they’ve done or said. Sometimes you just stop listening without even realising.
• Try repeating what they are telling you in your own words. This lets your BF/GF know that you’re listening and that you understand where they are at. If you’ve got the wrong idea, they can try to explain again and make it clearer for both of you.

Speak for yourself

When you and your BF/GF have a fight or need to talk about something, it’s important to tell them straight out. Be as clear as possible.

• Try to talk about things that upset you as they happen.
• Don’t store up a big list and bring them up all at once – your BF/GF might get overwhelmed.
• Talking about little things that annoy you can clear the air and give you practise for the big things.

I versus You

I was upset when I didn’t hear from you. If you’re going to be late, can you please text me?

Use sentences that begin with ‘I’.  That way you’ll be talking about

• what you think happened
• how you feel and
• what you want.

You’re always late, you never bother to ring.

As soon as you start saying ‘you’, you put the other person on the defensive. It’s harder for them to listen to what you’re trying to say.

Say how you’re feeling, as you’re feeling it

I’m finding this really hard to talk about. Are you?

If you‘re feeling upset and having trouble getting the words out, then say that.

Saying out loud that talking is hard sometimes reduces the tension and makes it a bit easier.

Be assertive

Being assertive helps you make sure you’re looking after yourself, as well as the people around you. You let other people know what you think, need and feel, rather than hiding it. It’s not always easy to speak up though – it takes practice.

Remember, we all have the right to talk about what we need.

We all have the responsibility to listen to others.

Related links

• Fights
• Dear Diary: Dealing with Feelings
• Relationship rights

Photo from Flickr taken by disaster_area

Fights look different to different people, depending on what you are used to and what kind of person you are.

If a fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend (BF/GF) leaves you feeling afraid, that’s not okay.

Be prepared

If you can feel trouble brewing, be prepared.

Work out what you want and how you are going to say it so your BF/GF will understand. Use this diary exercise to get a grip on your feelings or talk to someone you trust first.

Dead ends

These common traps get in the way of sorting out fights.

Blame game

It’s not helpful to get stuck spending time working out who caused the situation – most relationships are more complex than that.

Instead focus on how you want things to be in the future, and what each of you can do to make that happen.

Bringing up the past

Stick to now.

Bringing up things that have happened weeks or months  ago can only confuse the issue and take you further away from finding a solution. If there are serious things from the past that need to be talked about, then make a time to discuss them separately.

‘Always’ and ‘never’

These two words can make a person feel trapped. “You always forget to call me” or “you never listen” might be a good description of how you’re feeling but it’s not going to help your BF/GF find a different way to do things.

Replacing ‘you always’ with ‘when you’ or even ‘sometimes you’ (for example, ”sometimes you don’t listen to me”) will give your BF/GF room to change.

Anger

Anger is a powerful emotion. Some people use it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

Anger’s not all bad though – sometimes it can tell you when other people are hurting you and give you the energy to look after yourself.

• If you’re in a fight and you feel like your anger is driving you to say or do something mean or hurtful,  take time out.
• Say, “I need a break for a minute”.
• Come back to the conversation when you’ve calmed down.
• Being angry doesn’t make it okay to hurt people.
• See Dear Diary: dealing with feelings

Time heals

If a fight feels like it’s going on and on with no end in sight, take time out.

Talk about it again in a day or two, or just agree to disagree.

Sometimes walking away from a fight gives each of you time to think. Maybe things will look different in a few days. (Or maybe not, which is ok too.)

If you’ve come to a compromise that works for both of you, let go of whatever you were fighting about.

Give things a chance to work before you bring it up again. After a while it’s good to check in with your BF/GF and make sure things are going okay.

Related links

• Dear Diary: dealing with feelings
• Let’s talk
• Your rights

First image from Flickr by Procsilas Moscas, second image from Choose Respect campaign by CDC.

Working it out

The only person who knows who you feel attracted to is you. The messages you get from your family, friends, school and the world in general can affect how comfortable you are with what you’re feeling, but you are the only one who can decide what those feelings are.

Some people feel sure that they’re gay or lesbian, some are attracted to both sexes, and others feel they are just not 100 per cent straight.

No one knows what determines our sexuality. It could be influenced by the people around us, the things that happen in our lives, because we were born that way, or it could be that we are just open-minded and curious.

When the messages you have heard about being gay, lesbian or bisexual are mostly negative then coming to terms with being attracted to the same sex can be tough. Check out the homophobia page on the New South Wales website Not So Straight for more information or check out the links at the bottom of this page.

Identity

Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, queer, straight, gay, lesbian, questioning, dyke, fag – and the list goes on. People use hundreds of different words to describe themselves and their sexuality.

Some even choose not to give themselves a label at all. Finding a label that fits can be a relief if working out your attraction has been a struggle but it’s not essential.

What matters most is that you are comfortable with who you are.

Coming out

Deciding to tell others (like friends or family members) that you are attracted to people of the same sex is often called ‘coming out.’

For more detailed information check out Not So Straight’s Coming Out page or the sexuality section on Reach Out.

Support

Minus18 run under 18s dance parties for glbti (=gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex) youth in Victoria.

The Rainbow network website has links to support groups for glbti or questioning young people across Victoria, as well as resources for schools and youth services.

The Gay and Lesbian Switchboard is a confidential telephone counselling service for glbti people in Victoria and Tasmania.

Pflag Victoria (Parents and friends of lesbians and gays) run monthly meetings and offer support to parents, friends and families of glbti people.

Related links

• Dear Diary: who am I?
• Dating

Image above produced by the Y-GLAM Performing Arts Project, Merri Community Health Services, a project for same sex attracted and transgender young people aged 14 – 25.

1. Be open and honest, share your feelings and speak up about what you want and need.

2. Keep in touch with your friends. Good friends help keep you sane when things in your relationship are tough. They also give you more to talk about when things are good.

3. Be curious about your differences. The world would be boring if we were all the same. Ask your BF/GF about their ideas and views, and find out why they think the things they do.  This helps you to understand where they’re coming from and to accept them for who they are.

4. Listen to each other. Good listening means putting your own feelings aside, so you can hear what they are telling you without giving criticism or advice.

5. Be spontaneous. Surprise your BF/GF with a fun activity, hold their hand, compliment them in front of friends or write an old fashioned love letter.

6. Ask - don’t assume that you know what they are thinking or how they’re feeling. Always check in to make sure.

7. Take care of your sexual health. If you’re having sex, keep talking about contraception and using condoms. Another reason to keep talking about sex is because sometimes what you like and don’t like to do changes over time.

8. Admit your mistakes. Don’t hold back when you know you have done something wrong. Saying sorry properly helps to stop built-up resentments.

9. Make time to do things outside the relationship, with friends and by yourself.

10. Remember what your BF/GF likes and what’s important to them. Every now and then do something with them that they like, even if you are not that into it.

Related links

• What if we fight a lot?
• Quiz: good, bad or ugly?
• Is jealousy a sign of love?

Photo from Flickr by Frederick Dennstedt

Dating someone from a culture different to yours

Getting to know someone who’s from a different cultural background to your own can be exciting – you might get to find out about different customs, foods, family responsibilities and ways of seeing the world.  But there might be a few added complications in getting to know them.

Sometimes you or your BF/GF need to work a bit harder

You might need to:

• really be honest with yourself. Ask yourself:

Do I make assumptions about people based on their ethnic background?
What are they?

• Ask your boyfriend/girlfriend/date what they think and believe – don’t just make assumptions based on a stereotype of what you think they’re like.
• If your ‘dating rules’ are be different to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s, then tell them – it’s not a bad thing to be different.
• Talk with your own parents and family to sus out any prejudices they have.
• Learn each other’s cultural ‘manners’ – what’s polite and what’s not.
• Make sure your BF/GF feels comfortable with your family and friends.
• Talk heaps instead of assuming they’re thinking the same thing.
• Respect and accept each other’s differences.

Cultural stereotypes (suck)

Often, people will judge you on their stereotypes about your culture, without really knowing you. We don’t encourage this of course, we’re just saying that it happens.

The problem with stereotyping people is that we don’t fully get to know each other as individuals.

Stereotypes are often negative. Maybe you’ve heard of  stereotypes like these: Asians, Greeks, Whites, Lebanese, Aborigines, Arabs, Sudanese… (and so on)

• want to have sex more
• are uptight about sex
• have bigger/smaller dicks
• have bigger/smaller boobs
• have bad attitudes towards women
• are violent/hang out in gangs/drink all the time/are obsessed with money etc etc etc

Stereotypes can also apply to other groups of people, like a school or a suburb, eg “Girls from this school are ….”

Do you have any stereotypes? Do they affect the way you act towards certain people?

Dating differently

In some communities, people might have to be introduced to each other by their families or community elders. Older people might have to give their approval for the couple to get together in a relationship.

They may have to get to know each other in the company of older people, or even wait for their marriage to be arranged by their family. Negotiations might be complicated by dowry arrangements between families, and religious ceremonies.

All this can be cool and exciting if it’s what you’ve grown up to expect. But of course there can be difficulties and disappointments too.

Remember

We’re all shaped by our cultures

You can’t expect or want your boyfriend or girlfriend to change and become like you – meet in the middle instead.

There’s cultures within cultures

Cultures are complicated things! There’s different groups within cultures, with different

• languages
• customs and traditions, including dating and pre-marital sex
• food
• politics
• attitudes beliefs, including religious beliefs, and
• amounts of $ and education.

And of course, every person is different and has their own take on all of these.

Basically, don’t assume anything. Instead, be curious, learn and ask questions.

Related links

• Dear Diary: Who Am I?
• Keep reading: books, zines and websites

Image from Flickr by fredcamino